I had so many ideas about this site/blog but I am stuck not getting further then my Instagram account. I guess the problem is that I aim way to high….. Perfection….. I have no right o bother you unless I really have something to say, some “perfect” article that “explains it all”, well at least a part of it…. So what is this strive for perfection? Isn’t is just a pretty narcissistic idea? Something we got from our past, when we were taught that we had to be perfect?
Admitting your own narcissistic traits is never nice though they way I understand narcissism/codependency is that it is in fact more or less the same thing, just that the malignant narcissist is to afraid to show his/her weakness for everyone outside himself while the codependent needs at least someone that knows the truth. I think the danger (for codependents, at least for me) lies in giving someone “exclusive rights” to our (my) vulnerability. I will now begin to fight my fear of being imperfect by writing short posts on a more daily basis.
Another reason, at least for me, is that I fear that someone will accuse me for being a narcissist because I share my thoughts or even just trivialities from my life. This is the very much the general idea of narcissism though in my opinion there is a huge difference in what you share as well as your motives and how you handle it personally. The driving force behind social media is a longing for connection. There is nothing narcissistic about longing for connection, not even about thinking (hoping…) that someone might be interested. The narcissism is to show only perfect pictures that will fill your need of being above others. This has never been my intention! The only reason I avoid sharing trivial or not perfect stuff is because I fear the judgment of those (including the voices in my own head) that loathe weakness and imperfection.
Yet another reason is that I am too much alone. I am going to act on a changing that right now, by first taking the subway to a lunch meeting with ACoA and then continue to the library and sit among people and write. Who knows, I might publish again today….. 😉