I have met my ghosts I have been able to get rid of my own false (narcissistic) self though I am still fighting my fears of being unseen/rejected. Every step I take to make real connection, to tell some more of my history is a step that puts me at high risk of being triggered and I do get triggered. One day brave and strong, two days suffering with that way to familiar feeling of being isolated, alone in space….. They say you should avoid getting triggered though for me that would be the same as accepting my isolation, accept a life as a survivor, no longer falling though far from fully alive and connected.
I need to connect with people IRL, build new healthy, non abusive relationships and most of all I need someone to Immobilize close to without fear. It´s a constant hunger, a desperate need and it takes an enormous amount of energy and time to try to comfort and calm down myself. At nights when I go to sleep my body is in fear. Every morning I wake up I wish I woke up to a face a body without a mask, simply enjoying to bee close to me though such a ”body” seems to be very hard to find. Most people are way too stuck in their heads and we are told that independence is the highest goal of self development. Needing someone is seen as weakness, If you Google loneliness you get tons of hits where you are told how to handle being alone, and very little about the fact that we are not weird to be alone we are mammals, even social mammals, not just getting together for breeding. We need people, we need to be touched, seen accepted and even valued that´s a fact and those who are afraid of this…… well I am sorry I´ve given up on you guys….
The pictures in the slideshow are screen dumps from an excellent 25 minutes speech held by Stephen Porges (the man behind this theory) held at Stanford University 2012. It might sound difficult though it is really very simple and he is wonderful to listen to. I you suffer from Complex PTSD or only experience occasional problems in your love relationships doesn´t really matter this oght to be told in school.